Exit plan - November 11, 2016

how does one make a four-year exit plan for a career that has spanned over 30 years? I remember being an early career practitioner, full of energy and optimism and and a belief I could change the world

now my companions are a juxtaposition of slight satisfaction and more than a pile of regret

a career that provided for my family and shredded my soul

it is a reflection that is filled with “should haves”

I should have done this

I should have done this

I should NOT have done this

I don’t want to be remembered - that is why will you never find me in a picture on the hallway wall

because in this moment i know that I have done less than I should have but as much as I could have and I am exhausted

living with internal struggles has made me an artist and an eccentric and a general pain in the ass

and i do not want this job anymore

it is a means to an end

and i will leave quietly and unannounced and know one will know

except my family

because then I will be more

present for them

it is time to invest in my own legacy and leave others to their own

i died inside when the best years of my career ended

a small place where what i had to give was needed, valued and all my own

and i have been foolish to hope for that again

that is why I have a Plan A

and a Plan B

and am now working on a Plan C

and if I create a Plan D

that will give me one plan for each of the last 4 years of a career that should have more

I will choose to leave when I choose leave

and that is my strength

and my courage

and my desperation

Be Kind to Grief (November 6, 2016)

grief does not have to be

judged or justified

public or private

avoided or denied

it is real

it is authentic

and it is yours

grief does not need to be

compared or minimized

it is legitimate

and is currently housed in you

it will not always be a tenant

occupying a very large room

one day it will be stored in the drawer of a dusty dresser

in the corner of an unvisited room

or it may give notice and leave

reserving the privilege to visit again

however grief appears

be kind to it,

to yourself,

and to the time you both need to learn

to exist

together

Letisha - 7 years have passed

7 years ago. Letisha Reimer was brutally murdered at her high school. Her siblings went to my school and the reality of what had happened was mind-numbing. I still can't believe the school district thought it would be a good idea to attach the new high school to the public library, with no separation. We all knew it was a bad idea and this family bore the brunt of that foolish decision. They bear it to this day, and again, my thoughts and prayers are with them. 

I wrote this poem in her honour.

she was not my student

she was not my child

she was not my niece, or neighbour, or sister, or friend

but her little brother was my student

and she went to my school

and she danced a life song that was delightful

and so i deeply grieve her passing

a life cut short short

in the most unjust way

violence and hate

but she stood for joy

and happiness

and love

and somehow

I must change my thinking

to align with hers

instead of with the one who took her life

because He who inspired her life

celebrates and enjoys her company this day

and every day

throughout eternity

and one day

her family will

once again

enjoy her company

because she is and was and will ever be

Letisha

Wee One - from October 19, 2016

much-anticipated wee one

your due date has come and gone and much like your father, you are unhurried, taking life as it comes, without rushing but enjoying each moment as it is

i think of you enjoy the last hour’s in the safety and warmth of your mother’s womb where every need is instantly met, where nourishment is instantly available, and where the variable intensity of the light, sound and warmth is somewhat dampened and where each of her movements brings you cozy comfort.

i think about the time called “soon” whose those movements while no longer bring you comfort but will force you into the world of those who can hardly wait to see you

and in that process I hope you hurry a little because we have all waited a long time and it is time we met you

after all we are amazing and you are even more so

safe journey, little one

you are in my heart as always, Grandma

Happy Birthday, Lyle

from September 15, 2014

How is it that I became your mother

without giving birth to you?

How is it that you have gone from 7 to 31

in the blink of an eye?

How is that the cuddly little boy has become

a broad-shouldered, somewhat bearded man?

How is it that you found a life partner who 

is our dream fulfilled for you?

How is it that I still so often see that wondrous little lad 

me grinning at me through a man's eyes?

How is it that whatever life brings

you, my son, are full of courage and joy?

How is it that the words "Happy Birthday" cannot begin to express 

this momma's many wishes for you?

I love you, son, and wish you God's richest blessings on this day, your 31st birthday.

Laura

 

The Sandwich and the Cigarettes

from September 14, 2017

Sometimes you observe things that need to be recorded in word, and today, I hope I can do this moment justice.

Yesterday we sat outside Sharon’s Deli in Hope. We were chatting with a fellow named Arne who was drinking a Coke. The gal from the deli brought him a couple of complete loaves of bread to take home. He was on a bike and didn't have a bag to carry the bread home in so we gave him a cloth grocery bag out of our trunk. We got to chatting about everything and nothing and eventually I asked him what his favourite thing to eat was at the deli. He said a beef dip, so we bought him one with ketchup chips as he requested. We continued to chat as a woman in a loose blousy dress wandered towards us. As she got closer, I saw that she was picking up cigarette butts from the curb and the street. She explained to us that she was ”butting because they took $300 of her cheque”. She must have seen the puzzled look on my face because she explained that butting is picking up used cigarette butts and collecting the bits of leftover tobacco to make one complete cigarette.

As I processed this information, Arne reach over to the woman and handed her two cigarettes from his own package. She stepped out of the gutter and took them.

And the metaphor that was playing out in front of me struck me between the eyes.

This unremarkable man met this woman's need. She stepped out of the gutter to meet him and he gave to her out of his own riches. No judgement, no prequisite, no condescension....just a genuine gift with no strings attached.

It was a small thing for us to give him a sandwich....it was a huge thing for him to give her two cigarettes.

We have been given the same opportunity to step out of the gutter we are in and have our needs met by the One who extends the Hand of Grace towards us.

There is no judgement...no prerequisite....no condescension.

Let us grasp the Hand that reaches to us, that we may be lifted from the ditch...into joy.

Dear Lucy (from June 10, 2018)

Dear Lucy,

This is your grandma writing to you to let you know that I think of you often.

Today, your mom was baptized and in her testimony she referred to a time in her early 20's where she experienced loss and hurt like she had never experienced before. She also talked about how she spent close to 5 years distracting herself from the pain with things like work and family. Your two younger sisters were born during this time, and in some ways your mom protected herself from the anguish of your loss, by immersing herself in the busyness of raising two very active little girls.

I want you to know that your passing was not in vain. The grief and pain your mother experienced eventually brought her to place of knowing that she needed to lay her past, present and future before the cross and fully submit her life to Him. Lucy, your mother now walks in grace and joy....and you were the reason she began this search. You see, my precious granddaughter, even though you only lived a few short months, you were an evangelist for your mother. You are the reason she now knows to Whom she belongs, and I am so grateful to you and our Heavenly Father for what you have done for and in her.

I miss you every day and look forward to when I see you face to face. You are missed so much but our faith assures us of a reunion in the Kingdom. Please know that you are loved even though I never got to hold you. Indeed the only person that held you was your beautiful mother. You are the only person who heard her heartbeat from the inside, and you changed her life forever.

Please say hello to my nephew Joel, who left this world when he was just a few short months older than you.

Much love,

Grandma

He has never been a disappointment....

"I'm done with you two..."

"You're dead to us...wills will be changed.."

"You were a disappointment to Dad..."

"You even think like a Richmond because you have been married to one for too long.."




These are just some of the texts that were sent to my husband this week, all because his sibling was not invited to a Richmond Family get together.


Pretty shocking....so where do we go from here? We have made endless attempts to please – only to never really get there. We keep guessing about which version of them we're going to get. And we are tired....

What lessons can learn? What understandings have been affirmed? What are these comments evidence of?

There is limited understanding of family and relationships.

There is no understanding about the relationship between a husband and wife.

Anger is often a cover for envy and pain.

Words and actions have consequences.

And so we detach and disengage.






And focus on our children, our grandchildren, and those who bring joy and peace into our lives.

Maybe time will resolve things, but in this moment and in this day, neither of us care.

And my husband was never a disappointment to his dad.


And he has not been married to me for too long. We don't know where we end and the other begins. These have been the best years of our lives and I love him. 💗

From 2009 - things that make me happy 😃

 

the last gasp and gurgle of the coffee machine, signalling that the best brew in the world is ready for consumption - Brian makes the best coffee

the corkscrew willow (in my front yard) that sends up new shoots and branches each spring, in spite of the brutal fall pruning, courtesy of Brian

my dad's wasp census - remove dead wasps from wasp trap. Separate whole wasps from wasp parts. Count and record whole wasps. Count wasp parts, divide by 3 (wasps have three parts to their bodies) and add that number to the number of whole wasps. Result - number of wasps caught in trap

my mom's shortbread

my boys giggling (yes, they are 27 and still giggling)

my oldest girl's laser blue eyes

my youngest girl's way of talking to her hedgehog "Calm yourself," she tells it.
etc etc etc